Two years ago exactly, I had a miscarriage. It hit me harder than anything in my life. I was a couple weeks away from seeing my babe wiggle all its little parts in that routine halfway mark ultrasound. I believe life begins at conception and the loss of that baby left me feeling very alone, very empty, broken to the core and very, very sad. All I knew how to do was weep.
I remember the exact moment the Lord pressed heavily into me, and gave me the choice to either “sink or swim through this” (funny how God works…if you know me, you know I how much I dislike being in deep bodies of water, or any water really, and yet He used these exact words). I rolled in the waves of question. I bobbed up and down and I did sink. But every time I began to sink, He continually reached His strong hand into the raging currents of my heart, and directed me back into the truth and hope of an unimaginable future as long as I trusted Him. Without my faith and hope in Jesus, I'm almost positive I would have been swept away with those tides.
I desperately plead with God for the chance to have another baby right away. In the following months, I kept asking, “now Lord?” and he kept saying “Not now." The “not nows” made me frustrated and I lost focus on Gods promises and His power. I felt like He was stepping back to casually watch me carry it all out on my own, when in fact He remained with me - feeling every feeling and every tear as if it was His own.
He continually reminded me of His firsthand experience with pain and sacrifice. His example of love began to cover my frustration and coping with the impossible started to become possible. I really let His word become my security and I lived in it like it was my "safety vessel.” I fiercely waged war with it until I let it anchor itself enough to start transforming my mind and healing my emotions. I fell into the strength and arms of Jesus, and it put a deep desire in me to show others what a beautiful place that can be!
A few months ago I launched my company, SHE IS CLOTHING, with the intention of making His name famous through women sharing stories of the strength of our Savior. Little me…I am introverted and quiet and emotional. If someone had told me years ago that I would be bold enough to try and spread the word of His Strength and Gospel through a t-shirt I would have thought they had a serious case of mistaken identity. From my "safety vessel” I cast my nets into some pretty deep water, and many things made me doubt He could work through me. The only marketing plan I had was quietly praying God would move and multiply these shirts through the right hands of influential women who knew Him, which He has.
I should know by now that trusting God brings life. Believing God brings rest and obedience brings glory.
Now, my nets are heavy and with so much more than just t-shirts. Some days they are bursting at the seams, and I can only hope it is all a reflection of living and moving in obedience for the One who loves us most. He can transform my deepest desires and everything He made in me to reflect His beauty.
My faith is what tells me that in the midst of the “not nows” of life, God really does have everything under control. Even when it appears as if we are drowning, or all we know how do to is weep or doubt, He is there waiting to clothe you in strength, restore your dignity, and wrap His everlasting loving arms around you.